Day 50

I am a food addict.

Common Characteristics Among Addictive Behaviors:

1. The person become obsessed (constantly thinks of) the object, activity, or substance. Yes, I wake up thinking about food and go to sleep thinking about food.

2. They will seek it out, or engage in the behavior even though it is causing harm. It's true. I know it's killing me. It scares me that I might not see my children marry, etc.

3. The person will compulsively engage in the activity, that is, do the activity over and over even if he/she does not want to and finds it difficult to stop. Sometimes I have a hard time stopping, even though I am going to feel miserable...even though I know I will have GI problems....even though it's killing me.

4. Upon cessation of the activity, withdrawl symptoms often occur. It's true. I start craving everything that's ever tasted good. I get upset quickly if I am hungry but I can't eat.

5. The person does not appear to have control as to when, how long, or how much he or she will continue the behavior (loss of control). I will want to eat something, such as a bag of chips, and when I buy it, I will think to myself "I will only have the serving size so this bag will last me all week." However, I will eat my one serving size but will continue to go back to the bag throughout the day until they are all gone. Or I might even sit down and finish the bag in one serving.

6. He/she often denies problems resulting from his/her engagement in the behavior, even though others can see the negative effects. I used to deny it, but now I know it's true.

7. Person hides the behavior after family or close friends have mentioned their concern. Although I do not hide food, I will eat after everyone is asleep. Or I will get food when there is no one in the car with me.

8. Many individuals with addictive behaviors report a blackout for the time they were engaging in the behavior. This has never happened to me.

9. Depression is common in individuals with addictive behaviors. I do take depression medication.

10. Individuals with addictive behaviors often have low self esteem, feel anxious if they do not have control of their environment, and come from psychologically or physically abusive families. I do have low self esteem. I mean, who wants to look at all my fat? However, I was not abused as a child but I was in several abusive relationships when I was younger.

I do well for a few days and then I feel myself struggling to keep at it even though I feel so much better. I fight the cravings and most of the time I win but when I loose, it's a big loss.